It is unlikely that many people thought about why they need a friend. Because almost all of us have it. Nevertheless, the topic of friendship is of particular interest from a psychological point of view. Therefore, this question is still worth puzzling.
Why do I need a friend? At least in order to satisfy the natural need of another person to communicate. When people come into contact with each other, interpersonal relationships arise, during which the personal qualities of both one and the other opponent are manifested. And it is they who develop in people this or that attitude towards each other. The qualities may vary. Both uniting, bringing together, and repulsive. Their manifestation helps to understand whether communication with this person is promising or not.
The psychology of friendship was associated by scientists with attraction. This is a concept that defines the attraction of one person to another. Attraction includes a lot of aspects. The needs of a person, for example, which induce him to choose a certain partner for friendship. Its qualities, again. Belonging to the same social circle. Understanding the needs and feelings of the other - that is, the ability to feel the world of the partner's experiences. And even the property of a psychotherapist.
Rosalyn Diamond has a great phrase on this topic. She concerns empathy (conscious experience for another person): “This is an imaginary transfer of oneself into the feelings, emotions, actions and thoughts of the opponent. And the ability to structure the world according to his model ”. A person capable of this is a friend in the modern sense.
The moral support
And now you can move from psychological terms to life. Why do I need a friend? For many - to provide moral support. A friend is a person who will help you stand up if you fall. The importance of emotional and verbal assistance is sometimes underestimated. But when a person is overwhelmed and depressed, sincere empathy, sympathy, and also praise, consolation and approval can heal him.
Finding the right words is very difficult. This can only be done by someone who knows a sad person well. And that's why a friend is needed. This is a close person who is aware of the problems and mental characteristics of his friend. He knows perfectly well which points need to be "pressed" in order to bring a smile and make him understand that everything is not so bad. In psychology, by the way, this is called the moral and ethical side of friendship.
Why do people need each other? At least in order to talk. Communication is interesting. During the conversation, people share news, interesting stories, impressions, experiences, and discuss various topics.
As a rule, a close friend is also a like-minded person who can, without a twinge of conscience, lay out his point of view on a particular issue, without fear that a conflict or dispute is brewing now. Because the comrade will support and even supplement what has been said with his commentary.
But friends tend to be different. And this is good, since the point of view of the other person is the best complement to the picture of the world of his interlocutor. It is with a friend that a tactful and interesting conversation, productive discussion and correct dialogue are possible. A loved one will always explain why he thinks so, will not seek to accuse his opponent and impose his point of view on him. All this is not only interesting, but also useful, since such communication enriches us as individuals.
We all rest in different ways. But each of us enjoys meeting friends. Some do it often, others rarely. So why do you need a best friend? Then, to have fun together and get new experiences. Together, doing everything is more fun and interesting. And accordingly, there will be more positive impressions from the pastime.
You can go to the cinema, cafes, nightclubs, amusement parks together, just walk around the city and have a conversation in parallel. Better to plan a trip to another city or even a country together. Such a pastime, as a rule, brings them closer together. Relationships will freshen up, new and valuable impressions and unusual experiences will appear. Maybe traveling together will turn into my favorite hobby.
There are different answers to the question of why friends are needed. And many say it is for help. It was said above about moral support, but this is something else.
They say that a friend is not the one who is there in good times, but the one who will help in difficult times. In life, not always everything is rosy. And sometimes something happens that you are afraid to tell even a psychologist who strictly adheres to the ethics of professional secrecy.
A friend is a time-tested person who has proven his reliability by actions and attitude towards a person. Someone who knows how to keep a secret. And he treats her as if he were his own. A person who will not change his attitude towards someone whom he considers his friend, no matter what happens. And he will try to do everything in his power to make the loved one feel better.
There is one excellent phrase in the Russian language that many of us use in life in its various spheres. And it also applies to friendship. And the phrase sounds like this: "The main thing is not quantity, but quality."
Looking at people who communicate with a whole crowd of people and maintain friendly relations with them, you involuntarily ask yourself a question - why do you need a lot of friends? As a matter of fact, this is already a matter of each person individually. If he wants, please. But, as practice shows, such people do not have a really close, real friend. They always have someone to walk with, but to whom to pour out their souls - no.
But again, you cannot limit yourself to one person. Because it can be fraught with difficulties when socializing in an unfamiliar community. A diverse social circle is helpful. It makes it possible to learn something new, to acquire previously unfamiliar skills and knowledge. In general, there is a golden mean here as well.
Well, to conclude a short story about why you need to have friends, it's worth turning back to psychology. Its scientists have long ago identified the characteristics of a real comrade.
A friend is someone whom the person who calls him such loves. Just in a different form, not intimate.
A friend never lies. He always speaks the truth. In his words there is no pathos, arrogance, boasting, theatricality. He always soberly and impartially evaluates the actions and behavior of his loved one.
Friends are interested in the life of a dear person and worry about him. There is nothing obscene in questions about vacation plans or the future. As in the desire to inquire about the family, the situation and health of loved ones, relatives.
Friends are not shy about each other. This manifests itself in both behavior and communication. There is no place for officialdom in their conversations. They say what is in their souls. There is mutual respect in their relationship. They treat each other with kindness, tolerance, understanding.
What can be said in conclusion? Perhaps the most important thing. A friend is an integral part of the soul of each of us.
Good afternoon, dear homebodies. Don't have a hundred rubles, but have a hundred friends, a well-known proverb tells us. What is friendship and why are friends needed? It is difficult to disagree with this dictum, because having good friends is a guarantee that a person will not be alone and that he will always have someone to talk to, share his happiness or misfortune and, in extreme cases, ask for help and support.
However, does a person need friends only for communication and mutual support? What do we understand by the concept of friendship and who are we ready to call our friends?
What is friendship and who are called friends
In serious dictionaries, friendship is defined as a close relationship based on affection, mutual trust, sincerity, and common interests.
Many psychologists believe that friendship is impossible without love, because the relationship between best friends resembles that of a loving couple, if you exclude romance and mutual sexual attraction from them.
You can also say that true friends communicate almost like brothers and sisters in a good family, and in a relationship for them the personality of a friend is more important than the benefits that can be obtained from communication.
Based on such a definition of what friendship and friends are, it is safe to say that very few people can really have 100 or at least 10 real friends - to trust, love, share interests and hobbies and take an active part in the lives of many people at once is quite difficult ...
Therefore, most people have 1-2-3 close friends, and the rest of the environment is divided into friends and just acquaintances. And this is normal, because if you can call almost everyone with whom you can drink coffee after work, then this is not enough for friendship.
Each person determines for himself the difference between friendly relations and friendship, but still most people agree that the differences between these two types of relationships are precisely in the "depth" of trust and affection.
How is each different from a friend
And the easiest way to show the difference between a friend and a friend is with simple real-life examples:
- with a friend you can discuss the latest news and gossip, but only a friend will you tell your innermost thoughts and experiences;
- a friend knows where you work, rest and live, and a friend knows what you love, what you are worried about and what you are afraid of;
- you meet with a friend when it is convenient for both of you, and at his request you will go to a friend even at 3 o'clock in the morning;
- if a friend has a problem, you will most likely support him in words or provide some assistance, and for a friend, in the same case, you will do everything in your power to fix his problem;
- starting some important business with a friend, you prefer to "play it safe" just in case, and you completely trust your friend;
- you can quarrel with a friend even because of a difference of opinion, and you are ready to forgive a friend a fundamentally different point of view on this or that issue, and many of its shortcomings.
It is important to note that the line between friendship and friendship is rather unsteady, and the strongest friendships begin precisely with friends.
However, the opposite is also possible - due to various life circumstances, even the best friends can move away from each other and remain just friends or even completely stop communicating.
Why do we need friends
Despite the fact that there are "loners" people who believe that true friendship does not exist, and people in any relationship are looking for benefits, yet most of us are absolutely sure that everyone needs friends.
What is friendship is more or less clear. But why friends are needed - not everyone can answer! Therefore, psychologists studied this issue and identified 5 main reasons due to which a person seeks to find friends and maintain close relationships with them:
In order not to lose touch with their past, namely, with youth and childhood. About one in two of us maintains constant contact with university or school friends who were an integral part of our childhood and early youth.
Over time, it increasingly seems to a person that the feelings and emotions experienced in his youth were brighter and more complete than those that he is able to feel in adulthood, and it is when communicating with childhood friends that he can relive old feelings.
To be able to be yourself. We all obey the unwritten rules and norms of behavior adopted in society and play different roles - an exemplary employee at work, a good citizen on the street and in government agencies, a sociable person at corporate parties, etc.
And only with close people we can be ourselves, without thinking about how they will react to certain of our words and actions. In front of friends, a person takes off his masks and behaves sincerely, without fear of misunderstanding, condemnation and ridicule.
Why do we need friends? To have a reliable support in life! Having a good friend, a person can be sure that he will never be alone and will not be left alone with his problems. A friend is perceived not only as a close person, but also as a "reliable rear"; he will not leave in trouble and will always come to the rescue.
Also, some people find in a relationship with a friend what they lacked in a relationship with their parents - care, patronage, custody.
Why do we need friends? To broaden your horizons and make your life brighter. Some people strive to make friends with those who live brighter and more fulfilling lives in order to gain new experiences and diversify their own lives.
In this case, a friend becomes a source of new knowledge and experience and helps a person to do what he aspired to, but for some reason could not do it himself.
Why do we need friends? To make up for the lack of communication and positive emotions. Many people who were not in the closest relationship with their parents and siblings and who lacked trusting communication in childhood and adolescence try to make up for this loss by finding close friends.
In communication with friends, a person replays the scenarios of his childhood and corrects them, filling friendships with something that was not in relations with his family members.
What is friendship and why we need friends, we explained, it turned out like a school essay or essay. 🤔
Good luck to you!
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July 31, 2017, 00:00 | Katya Baranova
My grandmother is sure that friends are absolutely unnecessary, that they only distract and encourage me to do various unseemly actions. She believes that if you communicate with someone, then only with relatives - here it is as if you will not get out, the call of blood and all that. I can't agree with her. And I decided to find out what science thinks about this.
Scientists from the United States are conducting many interesting experiments, and they have more than one research on the topic of friendship. Thus, it has been scientifically proven that the support of friends helps people fight cancer: in the blood of lonely patients, significantly more "aggressive proteins" are found than in the blood of sociable patients. The latter, by the way, live twice as long. And under stress - and this has also been proven in the course of experiments - even the silent presence of a friend nearby helps to lower blood pressure. Dutch scientists have proved that next to a friend, the air seems two degrees warmer than it actually is, and if there is a person next to whom you experience negative emotions, then the temperature of the air in sensations drops by the same two degrees. And the immunity of sociable people is higher.
Transactional analysis theory states that people need so-called strokes, which can be expressed in both verbal approval and physical touch. They give the subconscious a sense of self-confidence, they communicate important impulses: "I acknowledge your existence, you are."
Eric Berne, a famous American psychologist and psychiatrist, actively studied interpersonal relationships and came to the conclusion that people need certain rituals, or scripts, that we learn from early childhood in the course of communication with our parents. Based on these scenarios, communication with other people occurs throughout life. And this communication helps people organize their time, which, according to Bern, is also necessary for human existence. No wonder his book "Games People Play" is still at the peak of popularity.
If we recall the famous model of Maslow's hierarchy of needs, we will see that the needs for security and social status can be called basic. They are just realized through communication with people who share your values. Unfortunately, relatives cannot always satisfy this need. Generational conflicts, personal grievances, different interests do not allow deep realization of basic human needs.
Psychologist Maria Pugacheva advises to be a little bolder, and numerous friends will not let you get bored, and then real friendship is not far away: “Friends are needed - the question is different, but what is friendship? This is a deep relationship where everyone is ready to rush to a friend to help, as they say, in the middle of the night, or is it a friendly relationship in which you can just have a good time: have fun chatting or complaining about problems, go somewhere together so that it is not boring, to consult on some everyday issues. The first, of course, is more difficult. Finding a soul mate is like a lottery, you won't make such a friend "on purpose", even if you try, they somehow come through life on their own and stay for life. To do this, you just need not be afraid and do not hesitate to call again, write, call somewhere - it's so elementary! Now it's generally easy to do with the help of social networks and mobile applications. about on vacation, on courses, in the gym, or even in the hospital - they "made friends" each other and you can always write something, ask something, send some video or a joke. This is how communication starts. "
What do you think of friendship and friends?
By the way ...
How nice it is to get together with your friends and spend a wonderful SPA day with all kinds of masks and other pleasant procedures!
Katya Baranova , iledebeaute.ru
A photo: Photobank Lori
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Why do we need friends
"A friend is someone who believes in you when you have stopped believing in yourself." This quote accurately describes the role a friend plays in your life. Friends are those who are always by your side, whether it's good times or bad times. They will always lend a helping hand under any circumstances. When you are sitting with a friend, you do not feel the need to say something, he understands you, even if you are silent. However, many people do not realize the importance of friends in life. In this short article, I want to explain why friends are important and what role they play in our lives.
Why do we need friends
- We need friends to laugh with us in happy moments of life and to lend us a shoulder when we feel like crying. They serve as one of the main supports in our life.
- Friends are the few who accept us as we are. They never enter our lives, expecting us to change for them. However, they correct us when we are wrong.
- They say that you need to hear the bitter truth about yourself, go to your best friend. A friend will never lie to you just to please you and earn your favor. What the friend says is true about you.
- You can always count on your friends if you need any advice or help. They will never refuse to help you. The best side is that the advice of a friend will always be for your own good, whether it hurts or pleases you.
- After family, friends are the ones who care about you. They bring a smile to your face when you are sad and do good things to make you feel good.
- Friends are those with whom we can share our deepest secrets without worrying about what they say. They recognize our worst ideas and try to fulfill our dumbest wishes.
- Friends feel happy about your success and sad about your failure. They share all your feelings and make you feel like there is someone else who still cares about you. When you have friends, you will never feel lonely.
- Friends love you and care about you. They always make you feel special and never expect anything in return other than your love and friendship. They remain faithful throughout their lives.
Good friends can add special meaning to life. They help you share good times and get through difficult times.
Good friends can:
Improve your mood ... Happiness can be contagious. Hanging out with happy and positive friends can lift your mood and enhance your appearance.
Help you achieve your goals ... Whether you're trying to lose weight, quit smoking, or otherwise improve your life, the support of friends can really increase your willpower and your chances of success.
Reduce stress and depression ... By having an active social life, you can strengthen your immune system and reduce isolation, which is a major contributor to depression.
Support you in difficult times ... Even if you just have the opportunity to share your concerns, friends can help you cope with a serious illness, job loss, breakup, or any other challenge in life.
Support you as you age ... As you age, retire, illness and the death of loved ones can often leave you isolated. And then friends can help you, who can be a buffer against depression, disability, deprivation and loss. Staying socially as you age will make you feel positive and increase your happiness.
Boost your self-esteem ... Friendship is a two-way street, and the giver contributes to your own sense of worth and worth. Being on the wrong side of your friends makes you feel needed and adds purpose to your life.
But that has to be the right kind of relationship. The question to ask yourself is, "Am I really the best version of me for spending time with these people?" Hopefully the answer is yes
There is an opinion that by the age of fifty, the very concept of friendship for many loses its significance, fizzles out and degrades. Do you notice this in your life or is it all fiction? Do adults need friendship? How is mature friendship different from childhood and youth? Let's figure it out together. I am sure it will be an exciting adventure.
friendship - this is a stable close relationship based on mutual respect, trust and openness, sincerity and warmth of feelings, personal commitment to each other, sympathy, community of interests, the need for communication, willingness to provide each other with disinterested assistance.
- Friendly feelings arise in contact, in interaction, in a relationship. They cannot arise in a vacuum. The inhabitants of Europe cannot be friends with the indigenous inhabitants of the island of Madagascar without correspondence or phone calls. Contact is required.
- Friendly feelings are tested and strengthened in practice, in the practice of life. Very often this happens after a completely unique situation of salvation from trouble, during inhuman hardships or trials, or during the exchange of gifts of exceptional importance, or in exceptional circumstances. As the Little Humpbacked Horse said: "Now all friendship is needed ..." He whispered something over boiling water, and Ivan not only did not boil in a boiling cauldron, but turned into a handsome Ivan Tsarevich.
- Friendly feelings arise spontaneously. It is impossible to predict their appearance in advance, to order "at the behest of the pike, at my will." You cannot put a certain figure in your plan for the year: "To get five reliable friends during the year, so that they do not spill water." Therefore, there is always a share of mysticism and miracle in friendship. Appreciate her! Take care of her!
- Friendly feelings are feelings between people of equal status. At least the differences in status that exist between them are not emphasized in communication. Metaphorically, one can imagine that friends, at the moment of entering the space of friendly communication, take off their shoulder straps and become equal for each other.
- It is understood that friendly mutual assistance is disinterested, it turns out to be free of charge, that is, a gift. Just like Winnie the Pooh gives a pot without honey to his friend Eeyore. But I insist on a different formulation. Friendly mutual assistance is possible only on the basis of mutual benefit. Currency conversion of this exchange can be any. In one direction - practical help with deeds, in the other - expert advice. There - recommendation and protection, back - psychological support and time spent. Long-term friendly interaction is possible only when the internal subjective barometer-user meter shows: "I need this friendly exchange, beneficial, necessary." As the cat Matroskin said: "Joint work for my benefit - it ennobles." It is this predominance of the benefits of friendly relations over costs, subjectively perceived by each participant in friendly communication, which creates the basis for the desire for regular contact, trust, mutual interest, tolerant or condescending attitude towards each other's shortcomings. Whether friends are aware of this or not, the benefits of communication are always greater for them than their shortcomings.
To summarize, the main thing for which a person needs friendship is protection and support. A friend is someone you can rely on in sorrow and joy and rely on in days of success and failure. Sometimes a friend's individual success is the real test of friendship, much more serious than grief or misfortune. One of the most significant indicators of true friendship for me is the ability to genuinely enjoy a friend's success. But the readiness to help is above all!
So why do many people change attitudes towards friendship with age?
The answer, in my opinion, is obvious. In youth, a person is less confident in his own abilities, he is only studying, only mastering this world, trying to find his place in it. He needs friends at this stage of his life. After all, psychologically, he must leave his parental family and face all the trials, challenges of the outside world, and become a hero. In these tests, he must temper, find an independent adult position, become successful in his business, find a spouse, give birth to children. Problems, you see, are not easy.
And friends play the role of a support group for any person. If in childhood he, faced with fears or impotence, resorted to his parents and sought consolation from them, then at the stage of growing up, friends and girlfriends play the role of psychological support and safety net.
Friendship is different for men and women.
Women arrange friendly gatherings - bachelorette parties - in order to speak out and receive emotional support, exchange psychological strokes and signs of attention, sympathy and empathy. Such a carve-up with friends of the details of his life drama is sometimes very, very expressive and even theatrical. But no decisions are made in the process. The compassion of friends is almost always enough to literally revive the sufferer from the ashes, improve her mood and well-being and with a light gait direct her, radiant and renewed, to a new happy life.
For men, friendly communication is either joint interests, or a joint business, or mutual assistance in solving urgent problems. Men come to each other for specific advice or needed help. “I tried to get a bear from the den. Nothing works. Help, friends! "
Although there are exceptions to every rule.
Friendship or love: the relationship between a man and a woman
In my opinion, it is very important not to confuse these concepts.
Unlike friendship, love relationships are based on the sexual attraction of the partners. At its worst, pure romance is like this: “I’m damn attractive, you are damn attractive. So what is the time to waste? Come to the hayloft at midnight. You will not regret…"
I believe that friendship between a man and a woman is very possible. The options here are:
- Impotence or complete lack of sexual attraction to each other.
- One partner loves and the other does not (pseudo-friendship).
- One partner forbade himself to love (taboo: for example, a beloved is the girl of the best friend, and the thought of a romantic relationship with her is perceived as absolutely unacceptable), and the other simply does not love.
- Both partners sublimated sexual energy (for example, into creativity), completely excluded the sexual context from the relationship.
- Both partners are friends, receive mutual benefit from what they train, and develop communication skills with the opposite sex before meeting with a real lover.
- Both partners are homosexual.
- Both friendship partners are monogamous (totally loyal at the level of romantic feelings to their husbands and wives).
- Former partners and spouses can maintain a relationship after a divorce at the level of friendship if the passion has faded, but they managed to maintain respect for each other, and caring for joint children obliges them to maintain contact.
- Both partners consider a close, trusting relationship without sex possible.
- Both partners are either too young or too old for sexual and love relationships.
Dear reader, I think that this modest list does not exhaust the whole variety of options. In the comments, you can add your opinion.
Systemic causes and solutions in the case of strange friendships
From the point of view of systemic family therapy, very often a friendship between a man and a woman, devoid of sexual connotation, is the result of confusion of roles. A partner of the opposite sex in such a friendly relationship can replace (represent) for another deceased or unborn sister or brother, son or daughter, a missing twin, or a mother or father who died early.
In this case, sexual relations with such a partner are taboo, nipped in the bud as incest. Friends-partners can chat for hours with each other, share the most intimate information, like in confession, admire each other and experience the warmest, most beautiful, pure feelings for each other, a strong need to see, meet and do something together, but they never get to sexual intercourse. It's just that they, on a symbolic level, re-live those feelings with close relatives that they did not manage to enjoy fully within the family.
And it also happens that confusion concerns the fate and feelings of such a person from the family system, in whose fate there was no happy marriage, sex, family, children, but instead there was loneliness, the fulfillment of a monastic vow or military duty, widowhood, marriage without love, or death in childbirth.
The confusion of roles, interweaving with the fates and feelings of such people result in a paralyzing unconscious fear of sexual relations, and partners are stuck at the level of friendship for a long time. Their relationship does not develop, does not become closer and deeper. They sacredly keep their distance. Often a partner from another city or country is selected for this. And it lasts for years.
The solution to problems of this kind is quite simple in form, but very complex in content. It is necessary to remove the confusion. Stop playing other people's roles and stop putting on someone else's role on your friend. To do this, you must first realize these roles, and then firmly and decisively turn to your life and your relationships without confusion. The accompaniment of this awareness process by an experienced professional psychologist is highly, highly desirable.
The biggest challenge in this work is the presence of so-called “secondary benefits” from the problem.
The pain of sexual unfulfillment, constant longing for intimacy, separation and distance in such a friendship very often become the bare nerve of poetic or artistic creativity. Poems full of nagging sadness, unquenchable passion flow in a stream ... I warn such friends: "After therapy, you may find yourself a couple, a spouse, a sexual partner, but, perhaps, you will stop writing poetry." In response I hear: “What are you ?! How is this possible! I will never give up poetry! I was almost accepted into the union of poets! My name is in the poetic community. "
Friendship is a very important help in business
If you are doing business or a project with a good friend you know from childhood, you are in a more predictable situation. After all, you have experience of quarrels and mistakes, grievances and reconciliation, joint emotional experiences. You remained friends because you found solutions in a wide variety of situations.
You know what to expect from such a business partner. This reduces your risks. This allows you to quickly distribute responsibilities according to each other's strengths and weaknesses. You know them well too. And most importantly, if you are old friends, you always have a common base of values, similarities in life goals and guidelines. It will be easier for you to negotiate business.
Universal safety rules in friendship
1. The first idea - a pilot project
Remember, there are no absolute guarantees of success in love, friendship, or joint business. Each of these projects can become a project of a lifetime. A mistake can be very costly and the experience can be very painful.
So start your friendship test with a small “pilot project” with the person. Stick wallpaper in your apartment or his, do it together and see how you do it. The slightest suspicion that you are alone with a bipod, and your partner is like seven with a spoon - and further relations with this person should not be continued, or rather, deepened.
Each person is ready only for a certain depth of relationship. Do not rush your partner to dive into the pool of friendship with your head. Maybe it will grow together and get used to it, or maybe not! Maybe you are destined to remain friends, but never become friends!
Remember that any serious friendship requires grinding. Remember how D'Artanyan met his friends. They got nasty at each other, challenged each other to a duel, intending to kill each other. And only the experience of a joint feat - together they repulsed the attack of the cardinal's guardsmen - made them look at each other in a new way, see the benefits of cooperation and make friends. It turned out that it is very beneficial to have such a daring and impudent young man as a friend. He fences like a god!
Quick acquaintances occur on the basis of similarities of interests and values: “Great! I also love Mozart's music! " But long-term relationships of friendship are possible with mutual complementarity, the ability to help. Therefore, the minimum program: do not step on each other's sore calluses! Don't laugh at his weaknesses! Maximum program: confidently help your partner, using your strengths as a counterbalance to his weaknesses.
2. The second idea - negotiate in a dialogue
I never tire of telling all my clients and students: frank and honest dialogue is the best, most reliable foundation for any healthy relationship. It is a very difficult job to speak about your truth openly and sincerely, at the same time not offending your partner, respecting his own truth.
It is very difficult to convey your point of view calmly, in a structured manner, in the “language of benefit” of the partner, taking into account his interests and values. It is very difficult to listen carefully and respectfully to his point of view and integrate it into your picture of the world. This is a collaborative effort that friends and partners are capable of.
It is important not to turn communication into pure flattery, as in Schwartz's play "The Naked King": "Your Majesty! You know that I am an honest old man, a straight old man. I speak the truth straight to my face, even if it is unpleasant ... Let me tell you bluntly, roughly, like an old man: you are a great man, sir! Forgive me my licentiousness - you are a giant! Light!"
3. Idea three - do not abuse attention and time
Yes, a friend is a person who complements you, adds something very valuable to your life. Helps in trouble, sympathizes with defeat, rejoices at your successes, admires your achievements. But it cannot endlessly be a container for your negative feelings. You should not endlessly exploit his patience and play with one goal.
Please dose the load. Not only he cares about you. Take care of him too. Otherwise, sooner or later the Rabbit will ask Winnie the Pooh and Piglet: "Why does your corporate party always take place in my house and at my expense ?!"
4. Idea # 4 - don't live in a dead relationship graveyard
Yes, at a certain stage in your life you were close friends, helped each other, rescued from a variety of situations, saved from troubles ... But sooner or later, the personal trajectory of development of each of you can change and everyone can go their own way.
Agree, the friendship of girlfriends changes a lot when one of them gets married and gives birth to children. The death of their only friend becomes an even stronger test for many. And if he occupied a very large place in your life, made a significant contribution to your mental well-being and suddenly he was gone - this can become a real life drama.
Each person has their own cemetery of relationships - a mournful list of people with whom friendship was interrupted for various reasons. Sometimes he literally lives in this cemetery, lives in the past. Angry that he was abandoned, crying, whining, yearning. This often happens completely unconsciously.
The solution here is simple and complex at the same time. You should not dwell on feelings of grief and loss, you should not bury yourself and your life with the death of your only friend or because of separation from him. Look for new acquaintances. I'm sure there are plenty of opportunities for a variety of communication nowadays. Interest clubs, yoga, dancing, vocals, painting schools, education and training, summer cottages, sports clubs, volunteer projects - all this helps to unwind and switch, find new friends.
The easiest way to help yourself is to start helping others. You will be able to establish contact in small - there will be a chance to establish contact in large.
No friendship - look for it! Find friendship - appreciate it! But remember: nothing is stable in this world. Everything changes: you develop and change, your partner develops and changes, your relationship also changes. And that's okay. Develop and renew relationships for universal joy!
First published https://psy.systems/post/zachem-druzhit?
We do not use water or fire as often as friendship, said Cicero. “Uses” is not a very appropriate word, but perhaps the most honest one. Today we will talk about friendship with our expert, a practicing psychologist Balzhid Sandakdorzhieva.
A special feeling
Corr .: Balgid, well, is it really possible without friendship? Why do we need it so much?
Balzhid Sandakdorzhieva: Friendship is a relationship between people based, first of all, on a mutual feeling of care, respect and trust, people who have common points of contact in any interests. Although it came out of natural human needs for communication and cooperation, since man has always been a social being. And that's why we need friendship so much. But friendship is not just camaraderie or cooperation, it is a special feeling that can be ranked among the highest feelings, such as patriotism.
- Okay. How many friends, shall we say, are enough to be happy?
- Happiness and friendship are not phenomena of the same plane, moreover, "happiness", in fact, does not depend on any external factors. Therefore, how much is needed for the happiness of friends, let everyone answer for himself. But the point is not quantity, but quality, right?
- It's hard to argue. Then so: why is one close friend sufficient for one person, while the other is constantly in the company of different friends.
- Different people - different needs - different characteristics. There are, for example, introverts, there are extroverts. Introverts feel comfortable alone with themselves, and a narrow circle of close people, one or two friends, completely covers their needs for communication. Extroverts are sociable, active people and it is not difficult for them to make a new acquaintance, they need a lot of communication. It happens that the friends of the same person do not know each other at all, which speaks more about the diversity of interests of the personality itself. Talk to this person heart to heart, ask another for advice, go to the mountains with the third. After all, it is not for nothing that the people say, they say, tell me who your friend is and I will tell you who you are. If friends are different, and in everyday life they do not intersect with each other, with different interests, then the person himself is different, multifaceted.
- Does everyone need friends? I know married couples who communicate only within the family. This leads to another question: is this generally normal?
- Everything related to family relations is normal, provided that the couple decided so for themselves. But usually the need for outside communication is more a plus than a minus. Let it be distant communication, not necessarily friendship in its ideal sense - it is useful to have people or a person with whom it is pleasant and interesting to communicate, sometimes to make joint forays.
Men and women
- They say that female friendship is based on emotions, and male friendship is based on actions. Is it true?
- I think not everywhere, and depends on the peculiarities of thinking and values of people.
- Do women who are friends only with men miss something?
- I think yes. After all, asking some questions, there will always be a risk of one-sided answers, a woman will hear "only a man's position." And again, she herself so directly wants to discuss the "feminine"?
-In general, it is normal for a woman to be friends only with men, and a man only with women. And what can this talk about?
- If a person is normal, then everything is normal. However, from a psychological point of view, most likely there is a deep compensation for dissatisfaction with the partner's choice, or lack of it. Again, in different cases, there may be different reasons, so this opinion is not final, hasty conclusions on this issue should not be made.
“We just discussed the friendship between a man and a woman. So you are sure that it happens?
- Yes. There is a sincere true friendship. Of course, not for everyone, everything is individual.
- What are the chances of love that grew out of friendship?
- Very high. People know each other well, they do not need to seem better for each other, as often happens with people we like. That is, the likelihood of disappointment from expectations decreases. But in any case, love is a work within a relationship. Therefore, a relationship of friendship is a kind of handicap, but not a guarantee.
Not to lose. or find a new one?
- They say the strongest friendship is childhood friendship. Often they envy such friends: wow, they know each other all their lives! Well proven comrades. Is it so?
- This friendship is strong, because people grew up in front of each other. And we are talking here not only about growing up, but also about personal development, about the experience together. And if people developed in the same way, took care of relationships - then this is a great success. But anything can happen in life, and friendship even from school can become obsolete.
- Perhaps, there is some secret that will help us to keep the dear people with whom “fire, water and copper pipes” went?
- I repeat that friendship is reciprocity. Mutual respect, mutual concern. I am not a supporter of the position of "burning bridges", disagreements and disagreements of views happen - this is normal for developing people ... But if a person made it clear to you that there is no friendship, then it makes no sense to try to revive the relationship. And yet, give time for yourself and your friend to consider whether it is true that your paths no longer have points of contact. If this is final, thank the person for the time that you were friends, for the experience, for the good moments, for the sad moments. Do not regret anything and move on your way.
- Let's imagine that the friend with whom we parted is the only one. And, if in his youth, he could have quickly found a replacement, then at a more respectable age everything can be much more complicated. It is not customary to ask about this, but ... how, being a respectable person, can you find friends?
- All the same to open up to people and be friendly. If you want, if in your heart it asks so - go forward, help, communicate. At the same time, do not let people sit on your neck, under the guise of friendship. Well, do not demand anything from people beyond their understanding of the norm.
- Can you tell a friend everything?
- If you think it is necessary - you can, but not necessarily. You have the right to reserve the right to build your personal boundaries. You can stipulate, stipulate, some forbidden topics that you do not want to discuss. A friend will understand.
- Above you said "do not let people sit on their necks." But this happens not so rarely. How to distinguish the person who uses you, a kind of vampire, from a real friend?
- Such "friends" only turn to you when they feel bad. When they feel good, they communicate with others. Moreover, if you feel bad and you ask for help, they will find reasons to refuse to communicate or formally relate to your experiences. Also, after communicating with such people, you will probably feel as if "slop" was poured on you, loss of energy, resentment, irritation. On an attempt to get an explanation, “your friend” pretends that nothing of this happened, that he thought of everything for himself.
- How nice to end a "toxic friendship"?
- And why stop it beautifully, if there is no friendship anyway? Just stop communicating and learn to defend your inner boundaries.
Other interesting facts about friendship:
- Half of those whom you call your friends do not consider you a friend
At least a best friend. But don't worry about this. This does not mean that we are talking about indifference.
- School friendships most often end within a year after leaving school
The truth of life, which, I think, does not even need an explanation. Sometimes we are friends with people due to some circumstances. In addition, all people change over the years. And, as our expert said, maintaining friendship through time is a great success.
- Every second friendship lasts only 7 years
And this is the calculations of the Dutch sociologist Gerald Mollenhorst. According to the scientist, after the void is filled with new friendships.
- Friends help to live longer
This fact from American scientists has a very long explanation that will not fit on a whole page. And if very briefly: who else will put you on your feet after a tough breakup, dismissal, or just an autumn blues? Not to mention the laughter that often accompanies your conversations and, I remember, also affects life expectancy.
- And it's better to work
A friendly atmosphere in a team, conversations and meetings outside the office can go hand in hand with working on a common cause. In work, a person reveals himself better. At the same time, do not forget that competition and financial issues can destroy any communication, sociologists warn.
- Bosom friend is bad
The phrase "bosom friend", which means strong friendship, has very different roots. Initially, this phraseological unit meant: "pour over the Adam's apple", "get drunk." That is, in fact, it was about a drinking companion.
- Even sharks can be friends!
What are we, one wonders, worse?) And this is the observation of the French. They found that in flocks, some individuals stay together all the time, while avoiding others.
- Clumsy ones have more chances
Back in 1966, an American psychologist found out that people who are awkward in behavior seem more attractive to others.
- Family is more important than friends, men think
At least the British ones. According to a large-scale poll, men in no way refuse friends there. They simply prioritize in favor of the spouse and children.
- Friendship City - Sydney
For years, case studies have identified Australian Sydney as the city with the friendliest residents.
- And then there is an asteroid named after friendship
We are talking about the asteroid 367 Amicitia. Translated from Latin, this word just means friendship.
Interview author - Maryana Safina
You can ask your questions to the psychologist anonymously by email: [email protected] marked "Psychology" or personally Balzhid Sandakdorzhieva by phone: 8-908-593-92-09, "Vkontakte group" - Psychologist 03.
photo on preview: kinopoisk.ru, photo: pixabay.com
The pledge of longevity
Elderly people who actively keep in touch with friends live much longer than those who have lost all their friends long ago. Why is this happening? Scientists suspect that good friends distract a person from bad habits. Indeed, according to statistics, lonely people are the worst smokers, and they die from diseases associated with alcohol consumption almost five times more often than those who can boast of having friends.
In addition, friendship can help prevent depression and increase self-esteem, which are also important for staying healthy in old age.
A group of US scientists have discovered that friendship can help fight cancer. The researchers followed women with ovarian cancer. Patients who received more support from friends and acquaintances had significantly lower protein levels associated with aggressive cancer than those who tried to cope with the disease without any support. Scientists conducted a similar study on women with breast cancer. Those of them who actively communicated with friends, on average, lived twice as long as those who did not.
Scientists from the United States conducted an interesting experiment. During it, various stressful situations were specially created for the subjects. Participants who had a friend with them had blood pressure lower than those who had to go through stress alone. Under the terms of the experiment, the friend was not supposed to say anything. It turned out that the mere presence of a good friend was enough to reduce the pressure.
Having friends has a beneficial effect on your heart rate. This is the conclusion reached by scientists from Canada. They conducted a study among foreign students who came to study in Montreal. Experts regularly assessed the heart rate of the subjects for five months. It turned out that only those volunteers who managed to find friends immediately after moving to a new place could boast of normal heart function. The rest were susceptible to various heart rhythm disturbances. In the future, such violations can lead to serious illness.
People who maintain good relationships with others have stronger immunities and are less likely to get colds than those who like to spend time alone. Moreover, the more friends a person has, the better his immunity!
A way to keep warm
Friends can act as living warmers. Scientists from the Netherlands conducted an experiment: they placed people in different relationships at some distance from each other. It turned out that if there were people within a radius of half a meter from the subject who aroused pleasant emotions in him, it seemed to the participant that the air temperature was two degrees Celsius higher than it actually was. Lack of sympathy for the neighbor, on the contrary, caused a feeling of coldness. This discovery clearly shows why people use the terms "warm friendship" and "cool relationship".
"A friend is someone who believes in you, even when you have stopped believing in yourself." This quote accurately and correctly describes the role that friends play in your life. Why do we need friends - for the most part, we don't even think about it. After all, we usually take friendship for granted. Meanwhile, answering a very trivial question can be difficult for many people. Friends are those who are always by your side, whether the times are good or bad. They never leave you, even under the most difficult circumstances. When you are sitting with a friend, you don't feel the need to speak the words. He / she even understands your silence. However, many simply do not understand the importance of friends in their lives. In the following lines, we will explain to you why friends are so important and what role they can play in our lives.
Why do we need friends
Man is a social being and does not live in a vacuum, but in a society. We can communicate with others in different ways, but the real feeling of belonging to an ordinary person can be felt only when we meet people who are close to us in spirit, views and tastes. Without him, we are left alone in the crowd. It is good if these people are relatives, but more often, alas, on the contrary. Friends help us to compensate for the lack of warmth and cordiality. So, without them, life simply will not be enough.
1. Friends are our mirror
People tend to choose friends who are like them. So, your circle of friends shows who we really are. Imagine that you have no friends, you are a lonely person, while someone can recognize you for who you are. But when you are with a group of friends, people will understand you by the usual behavior of your friends.
As an example, we can imagine a person who is completely obsessed with football, his life is football. But for some reason, he doesn't know how to play football. Then how can people discover his passion for football? But if he belongs to the circle that everyone is football fans, then surely you will know him as a football lover.
Thus, we can say that friends are like a mirror of ourselves. Our friends represent who we are. If you want to understand who you are and how you are perceived, take a look at the company you frequent.
2. Friends are ideal companions
Loneliness is a painful condition, especially when you live alone for an extended period of time. And this is another reason to devote time, energy and attention to finding and developing a close circle of friends. As a sentient being, you must need companions. Who will be better than a friend as a companion. It's okay when you feel better when your friends are around. Sometimes ordinary things can be made extraordinary by simply doing them with the right people. This is the right of people, maybe those whom we have named friends.
3. A friend is a helping hand
The dictionary defines help, so as to make things easier or better for a person; give someone in need or worry about something needed as relief. Whenever you need to do something for the first person, you will find that they are friends. Sometimes friends are more helpful than any other family member. You can ask your friends for any help, it can be silly (you can't ask a lot about anything). You don't need a friend to do the serious work for you. If a friend helps you with your tiny job, it will be a matter of great happiness, because you will realize that someone is doing something nice for you. And a good friend will never let you down. Whenever you need to cry on your vest, you will find such a friend. They may poke fun at you, but they will definitely do anything for you.
4. Friends are our supporters
A good friend won't tell you exactly what to do, but he will encourage you to do what you know is right in your heart. One sincere word of encouragement after failure is worth more than a day of compliment after success, and true friends will do it for you.
Sometimes the situation goes so bad that no one can support you. A friend will be there for you if you are wrong or right. Best friends make your problems their own problems too, so you don't have to go through them alone. Friends are not the ones who will solve all your problems, but the friends are those who are always by your side.
When no one believes you, friends will believe you no matter what you say.
5. Sometimes a friend is the only person who understands you.
Friends will always understand what you are going through. Let's say you're meeting your best friend at a monthly dinner and a neon smile appears on your face. His first question is, "What's wrong?" In a few seconds, all the pain of that day and all the frustrations are gone, and you begin to feel like you are being reborn again.
Friends will understand when to have fun and when not. They will not make the situation more unhappy when you are in intense pain and will not make fun of you. But then again, sometimes they will laugh and make your pain go away.
6. Friends can make you more perfect
There is a term called best friend. This signifies the impact that friends have on our lives. Some friendships describe childhood friendships, some begin with your schooling process, and teen friendships form your later romantic bonds. Therefore, we can say that friends can influence our attitude or views.
Sometimes friends will check reality. Your closest friends will tell you that your new outfit is ridiculously annoying to others who come to you with flattery and say, "Ooh, you look great."
Friends know us so well that they can see what we cannot and are not afraid to share their dose of reality with you.
7. Friends are great counselors
A friend can also be your advisor. Because he knows your situation better. You, as a person, live in this world, your family members, your girlfriend, who, if not friends, can see things in your perspectives. So what if he gives some advice that works better than anyone else's.
Friends can also change your views, because only they have such an influence in your life.
8. Friends can make you happy.
As we said, a friend is a great companion, so he can bring happiness into our lives. A friend is the person you will meet, go on excursions, play games, or something like that. Therefore, it is important to have friends to lead a happy life.
Friends who make us burst into laughter when we are sad. Because they are always there to slap us on the back and raise a glass when we have good news. Therefore, good social relationships are a must for people to feel happy.
If our friend is happy, we most likely are too. Friends mean happiness.
9. Friends second family
We get a family when we are born. But friends can be called a second family, because this is the place to which we belong throughout our life. As a child, we turned to family when we were stressed, but as we grow up, we no longer turn to family, we turn to friends when we are stressed. They have enough influence in our lives, like any other family member.
10. Friends can have more friends
After reading all of this, I think we will understand the importance of having friends. So the last reason why we need friends is that we need friends in order to get more friends.